One thing I didn’t tell you about is my ex.
We actually met for the first time when we enrolled at the same high school. I remember thinking he had this cute nerd-iness going on but I also knew he had a huge crush on a friend of mine. Not that I wanted to pursue him or anything. After high school I almost instantly forgot about him.
Years later he added me on Facebook and I accepted, because….you know, it’s Facebook! He was silent follower, liking things every now and then and seeing I share a lot on I almost didn’t notice.
Until one day he sent me a private message. I never saw him as someone annoying but I’m also someone who doesn’t do small talk. So after a couple of “How have you been? ” How’s life?” I asked him straight of the bat what it is he wanted.
He wanted a date… At that time I had promised myself I would I open myself up a little, to not be so closed of for the world and let a couple of people in. So when he asked me I thought “What the hell. Let’s do it!.”
For the date I got to choose and we went out to eat and talk. I remember we talked for hours until it was closing time. It was really nice and I genuinely enjoyed it. He was a very sweet guy and at the beginning willing to do anything to keep me (happy).
Now for what went wrong… I’m not afraid to say that it was mostly my fault. I stepped into the relationship thinking he had 90% of what I wanted from my list. He seemed almost perfect. I believed he was someone who would never cheat on me and for me to believe that is saying something (believe me!).
There were a lot of things “wrong”. And they weren’t small things we could just work through by talking. They were pretty big, in my objective. Let’s get into the first:
- I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. I believe sexual attraction should be like getting wet from just a hug or just staring at you’re partner and just wanting them to rip all your clothes off. But unfortunately he didn’t have that effect on me. My body wasn’t hungry for his. i wasn’t craving him on nights when I was alone. I tried to get myself “hungry” by just having sex with him and hoping that after that the hunger or carvings would start but it never did…
- I think I rushed into it. I think I didn’t know enough about him before I stepped into the relationship. I only thought about how he was willing to do anything to make this work and how he fit my list of requirements. But the thing is when I realized that and wanted to know more, he wouldn’t let me in. He was fine with just focusing on me and my feelings. And if something was bothering him, he just dumped all his feelings into his work. That ultimately resulted in me seeing him less and less…
- I was still in love with her. I know, I know….you shouldn’t step into a relationship having feelings for someone else. But after numerous attempts to get over her and failing I saw this as kind of a last resort. That focusing on someone else would help me get over her. And hey, I would get a great relationship out of it. I honestly thought it would work. It didn’t…
- I did it for my family. This seems unlike-ly because I have always tried to be my own person but this honestly did have an effect on my decision to start the relationship. They knew all of my worries. That I wasn’t feeling anything for him, not emotionally or sexually but they said: “You can grow to love him”. It’s not their fault. I chose to listen to their advice and stepped into this to “learn how to love him”. It didn’t work..
These were basically the main reasons things went wrong in our relationship and why I ended it. All of this resulted in feelings of resentment towards him. I didn’t mind him working a lot because I no longer wanted to be around him. If he came over I wanted him to leave as quick as possible. I didn’t wanna have sex with him and started coming up with excuses not to.
All of this just made me realize, this is not how a relationship should be or should feel. At least not at the beginning. (We dated for 4 months) And I was honestly scared that this would result in me hating him. And I didn’t want that.
So I ended it…
I won’t say there wasn’t a moment of hesitation afterwards. A lot of fear went trough my head. Fear that I wouldn’t fine anyone this sweet again. Fear of being alone again. Fear I would never get over her. Fear no one would find me attractive again…
The break up was pretty mellow as in calm, no screaming, no hate. Just very mature. Although I offered to stay friends after the break up and numerous attempts from my side to form a friendship, it never came to be. So eventually I let it rest. Now I hear he’s back with his ex. I honestly wish him the best and hope they can make it work this time around.
I learned a lot about myself in that short relationship like don’t rush into things and that attraction is very important. I don’t regret it. But I won’t repeat it.